I’m still feeling raw from Toko-pa’s visit to Victoria two weeks ago. The grief was already in me, I just have more access to it right now.
During her dream workshop, I got to explore a dream in a dyad: I am on a mission, walking through an open grassy field and I come to a split rail fence and pause there, leaning against it. A man appears beside me. I don’t look at him. We are both facing onward, across the fence. We don’t speak much, or at all, but I know that he belongs to me and that I am loved unconditionally by him. I decide to allow myself to feel this love, all the way in, all the way to my core. The jolt of it wakes me from my dream.
One of the many things Toko-pa taught us, was to look for which way the energy of the dream wants to go. She added that the final scene often answers that question. The energy of my dream was at least partly about allowing myself to feel deeply. I do believe that Love wants to be let in—all the way, to the base. As I looked into the dream at the workshop, I chose to let love in, in real time, just like I had in the dream, and immediately the pent-up grief of love’s absence arose. That tender, complete vulnerability of the heart, is hard to stay with. But for a few moments, everything in the world became animate and glowing with colour, the birds sang in a celebratory cacophony, and gratitude rose up in me like a spring.
One of my favourite comments from the evening with Toko-pa was this, "Instead of waiting for it to come after you—because it will find you—we can begin to tend to the soul life now. And that's what differentiates an elder from an older. Because all of us get old but becoming an elder is the practice of reconciling yourself to your story, to your ancestry, and then beginning to walk in the world as if you are necessary to everyone around you. So instead of this scarcity, this paucity that we walk around with—longing, aching for someone to find us and bring us into belonging—we have to become that which we long for."
If I use this message—we have to become that which we long for— to further understand my dream, and if the man in my dream is my longing for unconditional love, how can I better become unconditional love? I also wonder, in my longing for a physical home for The Base, how can I incarnate The Base in my body?
These are the questions I’m sitting with at the moment.